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hello! not much to say this week... it was pretty boring. mental health-wise it was weird. yesterday i had a moment of reflection about something i don't wanna mention in here. i really need to get a new notebook to write things down...

other things: a project we have at school is a fanzine. that's the thing i mention in the first entry to this blog. is not turning out as smoothly as we expected lol. she's way too busy to work on it and on friday we tried to but we forgot it was a holiday and there was nowhere where we could print the texts we needed so we could have progressed a bunch and we didn't because we're dumb. so that sucked ass.

i'm literally at NOTHING!!! from publishing my fic i'm literally going to make some last tweaks and revisions and i'm gonna post it so i can start writing other chapters and other things. i also started the deh novel, it's a very easy read. if you don't like evan hansen, depending on your reasoning you'd either hate novel!evan even more or it'd make you like him better because he is such. an asshole. like on page 22 or sth he thinks "no offence but i don't need signatures from people who register as low as i do on the relevance meter" hello???? he's the worst. i'd kill for him.

english classes were pretty good yesterday. we ended up not having the listening mock test because we had to correct other things that most of us had a hard time with, particularly passive voice. my hopes are still up for the b2 test :)

anyway that's pretty much it. bye

hey!! first week of school after the break. i spent like 80% doing nothing because people are still making up stuff from last period (buenos aires school system is a hot mess. i won't explain it fully but like the last two weeks before and the first two weeks after break are intensification of contents and the people that passed either do nothing or deepen the content they learned. idk if they do this anywhere else. meh). well the week itself for me was... draining. two weeks were not enough rest for me honestly. as you might've seen from my last entry i didn't feel very good. sigh. i came to terms with the fact that i'm just an introvert and not at "ambivert" like i liked to think. i just prefer to be alone 99% of the time.

well. on friday i went out and got the converse weapon i wanted. yay. i also got the deh novel i wanted. double yay!! the converse are converse and they're my size and they're great and i love them. the book is not what i expected.. like physically. it's bland cover which would be fine if it wasn't so. long. it's almost 400 pages and they're pretty thin which i'm not the biggest fan of, i hope the bookmarks don't break them. also it's the latest version with a huge "now a major motion picture" in the front which i don't want to be reminded of lol. i had the book on pdf already but i cared enough to get it and also having a physical copy gives me like. the pressure of making my money's worth and actually reading it. god it sounds like i don't like reading i do i love it SO MUCH it's the executive disfunction i swear.

yesterday i went to english class and GOT A 90% IN READING AND USE LETS FUCKING GOOOOO!!!! the fce test sign ins are in october which gives us time to practice. i really need to practice listening because the exercises are kinda hard because you have to listen and read questions at the same time and answer them fast and it sucks. but reading and use it's easy for me and actually kinda fun to do. what worries me the most though its the money to actually do the test. sigh...

OH about grades, i got last period's report and i did AMAZING!!! 9.21 AVERAGE!!! VOY A SER ESCOLTA CARAJO!!!

ok yesterday i also went to have coffee with my a friend at this bookstore café which is really pretty. none of us had money to get any book though but we're noting going there some other time :)

well thats pretty much it. this is blog is pretty consistent for now wow. hope it lasts. see you

hello. so this will be my first entry of this type because i have something to say.

so. as i say in my little manifesto thingy in my about page i have been online pretty much all of my conscious life. yet it has been the last seven years that i've spent in Social Media™ and that's when, in fandom spaces, i started to bump into discourse. and therefore into internet progressive spaces. and even tho social media is definitely not the perfect place to have mostly any kind of serious conversation it did prompt me to become socially conscious in a way i'm absolutely sure i would not be today if i hadn't been chronically online. and here is my issue.

i think about things that the vast majority, to not say everyone, appears to never think about for more than a minute if ever. and these things i believe are truly important. but the fact that i witness people caring about these things online and not nearly as much anywhere else, makes me feel so. goddamn. alienated. and brainwashed. i feel like i am in the wrong for caring about things others simply do not.

this must be true for most people in online left leaning/progressive spaces. i spend hours online seeing people discussing about things and i do not mean stupid pretty-much-worthless tumblr sjw discourse i mean shit that i know matters like AI fucking frying my peers' brains and making them even more susceptible than they already are. yet when i attemp to talk about it with others i feel like a man yelling at clouds!!! that and i'm an idiot and get so goddamn nervous when talking about something serious around people because i can feel them judging me and thinking i'm fucking crazy.

i feel pretty secure in my beliefs in the comfort of my bedroom but the second i go outside i feel like i'm crazy. and i can't help but start questioning if maybe i should just. not care sometimes. like most people do. and i try to be more optimistic than most but it's so fucking hard when it seems like what's common sense and just. humanity to me. caring about art and knowledge and freedom and people. what was so easy for me to understand is so foreign to others. like what the fuck.

the first time i faced the fact that not everyone would be kind to me, i was 4. when i started to get bullied for the first time. and when i was like 8 i was hoping that those people just grew out of gratuitous meanness and now i've been proven time and time again that they do not. and i want to believe people can change, i truly do, but i'm scared that most people don't. i'm scared the cis dudes of my class will be 47 years old and still be just as bigoted and immature and so wrong about how the world actually works, no matter how much kindness someone shows them.

idk. the point i wanted to get to is. what do i do. trying to challenge the worldview of the people around me is so hard. specially with social anxiety. but i feel such impotence when i see people close to me being assholes and just can't get myself to do anything but let them. because they scare me and i'm bad at arguing and i also know it will be worthless anyway because i also see some people making good tries and failing. my teachers have tried to no avail.

idk if this is making a lot of sense. but i basically feel so hopeless. and this is my fucking fatal flaw: i feel like i know what's right yet that i am so fucking stupid at the same time. i have such a drive for doing good and i don't know if i'm built to do it.

i'm seeing the world distorting in front of my eyes and i feel something is coming and i can't do anything about it. not because there's nothing to do but because i can't do it. and i'm scared i don't have much time and i'm gonna look back when i'm older thinking "why didn't i say anything or do anything that time?? maybe i would've changed at least someone's mind. why the fuck didn't i try harder?"

but trying not to be so fatalistic i'm trying so hard to look forward and believe that this is obviously not the definite version of me. there's this creator, she's pretty well known but i don't remember her name and can't find her now, but she made this video saying that i, in my late teens, are definitely the worst version of myself i'm gonna be. and it made me feel so bad when i first heard it. but then i remembered it after, and it actually made me very hopeful. i'm so fucking young and i act like i've lived 40 years and i haven't i know fucking nothing. i'm actually less efficient than many people my age. and i really hope i am the worst version of myself. right now.

i do not hate myself. in fact, i am my best friend. i am the one that understands me the best and the only one that is there for me at all times even if i'm the person that gives me some of the worst times too. and when i'm alone up here, with nobody else, i feel the freest (when it's not for 8 months straight). but this part of me, fucking sucks. i don't hate her, i get her, but she still sucks. and i can't wait to become who i feel like i have to and be able to say what i need to. and maybe do something of worth and not helping to fuck everything up.

idk if this is stupid or something but i really needed to get it out of my system and have it up somewhere. i'd like to know if anyone feels the same way because i have no one to talk about this with and for some reason today it felt specially draining. i hope the next entry isn't such a downer

hey! i decided to set the goal of updating this at least once a week with cool things that happened in said week. so here they are:

i finally got a haircut!! i got a shaggy bob and i don’t think i’ve ever looked so good, i’m so so happy with it. I haven't gone out with it yet but i already feel so much more confident and it’s so comfortable to not have puffy long hair anymore.

a wip is no longer a wip. it is now a finished fic. well its a first chapter but it could stay as a oneshot if i back out on making the rest although i already started more than one. an online friend betaread it and loved it and i'm so happy about it but i’m such a fucking perfectionist i’m overthinking it more than i overthink an essay for school, it’s so dumb because cringe is the heart of fanfiction and i know i shouldn't care and that's the fun of it. anyway its evan/jared from deh, i first listened to deh this year and i became obsessed with them, they have such an interesting dynamic. this friend has been a fan for years and they said it was very in character and i was so proud of that too. i never posted on ao3 before and i overthink the tags a lot GOD THIS IS SO DUMB I KNOW why is everything so embarrassingggg and I LIKE what i wrote i think its pretty good but what if i post it and start thinking it sucks. god who cares I DO anyway

this fic is also my first time writing prose in english. pretty exciting. i think i did quite good considering i just made the same mistakes i make in spanish lol. btw i did not read what i said i had to in the last entry. oops!

i went shopping yesterday. didn't get much, went to plaza italia and didn't buy anything and now i regret it :/ i did get a new phone case which i really needed because the old one was the one that came with the phone (yes motorola comes with a phone case) and it was already all yellowish and limp and useless. the new one is baby blue and it's really soft and comfortable.

i had the best toasted sandwiches of my life for dinner, too, that was a highlight i didn't expect. i ate at tostado cafe club which is a pretty new national franchise.

there were no open stationary stores so i couldn't get the new notebook i wanted :( but i'll be looking around these days too.

that was pretty much it these past days. winter break will be over today and i'll be back to my normal state of madness and stress and hatred for the people i go to school with. yay see you

hey this is the first entry! so exciting!

so it's been 9 days since winter break started for me and i was really, really stressed so it's been really calming. i was so stressed with midterms i got an acne outbreak on my scalp. i got a desmatological shampoo to better it and it's alright now.

i got to do a few things these days. first, the revamp of this site, which was way less frustrating and faster than the last ones, thankfully. i watched some movies, i felt like watching some old hollywood for some reason. i really loved 12 angry men which i hadn't seen yet, beautiful beautiful film.

on tuesday i had a sleepover with my friends chris and angel! we had lots of fun. we watched cabaret (a 1993 proshot, not the film), we played mortal kombat, chernobylite, project sekai and project diva, and we ate a very unhealthy amount of junk food. like i'm not kidding it was bad. we went to sleep really early though, specially for me. something funny that happened was that it was at angel's house and chris didn't know how to turn of the ps, and he stayed up longer playing project diva, so he just made a scene with some characters and left it there for angel to turn off when he woke up. so i woke up at like 2:30 am to rin and miku looking at me while i slept lol

i did not go out again, yet. i plan on going to a craft fair to look for a cute new notebook to journal and i wanna go to kel books to get the dear evan hansen novel in english, and maybe go to the plaza italia book fair to get some cheap classics. on the subject of books, i started reading dr jekyll and mr hyde before the break and hadn't picked it up again since last friday... but i did again last night and i only have the last chapter left! i hate doing that, procrastinating so long just to be over with the thing in two hours, it's gonna be the end of me...

ok, another thing i planned to do was read the files of the translator carreer for once and for all. god i really need to do that. i'll try to start when i finished all this.

oh, and there is one really cool thing i also haven't started, but i won't tell exactly what it is because even though it's for school it's really cool and i'd like to show it on here when i'm done, so yeah, stay tuned for that if you're interested ;)

that's it for today. see you